News Junkie Humor


How Not To Push Someone Into The Pool

I've seen this a couple of times today, and keep getting drawn back into it. We, of course, don't condone people acting-like-a-fool and almost ruining the spine of their buddy, but since it's the Ruskies, it's OK.

Man, losing the Cold War has really changed that place. One minute you've got Dolph Lundgren threating to break Rocky, and the next minute they've turned into the real life cast of Jackass.

More Idiocracy

A faithful reader sent me this cell phone pic of an office sign in Denton promoting "Extreme Personal Injury."

(In the movie Idiocracy, a bad comedy about what happens to the U.S. in the future, almost every product had "Extreme" or "Xtreme" in its name to show how kick arse it was.)

Random Friday Morning Thoughts

  • I'm not sure how the Egyptian President has remained in office for thirty-something years because he knows nothing about public relations (That is, try anything for one day and then abandon the idea: i.e. kill the Internet, send in goons, say the protesters are instigated by foreign interests, say you'll step down, arrest journalists).
  • But there is a report that he has fled Cairo this morning. And for all this talk about promoting democracy, the U.S. has supported this guy for decades. 
  • Trees will be blooming within 30 days.
  • There's a book coming out later this year on the Mike Leach/Texas Tech divorce called Double T - Double Cross. Hmmm, I wonder which side it will take?
  • The Family Cat made a break for it out the back door so I sent the Family Pup out there to go get her last night. I'll be dang if they weren't wrestling on the back porch in about five minutes. (Yeah, it's fenced.)
  • Blockbuster is putting itself up for sale. I can't imagine anyone who would want to buy it.
  • DallasNews.com's paywall is now flexing its muscles. At one point this morning, of the nine "latest news" stories, seven of them were for paid subscribers only.
  • The NFC has sent 10 different teams to the Super Bowl over the last 10 years. That means Dallas is one of six teams not to make it.
  • The face value of Super Bowl tickets were $800 to $900 and, as greedy as the NFL is, there is no question that is significantly less than the fair market value. 
  • I wouldn't call it depression, but I suffer the emotional blahs every year at this time. It's like clockwork. 
  • A 77 year old woman was robbed of her $22,000 fur coat and $65,000 ring outside of Nordstrom's at the high tone Northpark Mall in Dallas. Is it wrong it those prices taint my perception of the story?
  • I get a little beaten down by someone saying "pitchers and catchers" report in x number of days. Hey, they'll be running around in windbreakers for two weeks. Nothing to get excited about. 
  • This is 1970s humor, but I've found the next president of Egypt.
  • I couldn't find an update on the No-Body-Murder-Trial. It's the defense's turn but there's no reason for them to put on a single witness -- simply argue the State has failed to prove its case. Yeah, there's a chance a crazy Denton jury could convict but there is no way it would hold up on appeal. No. Way. 
  • -28 in Oklahoma yesterday?


More School News

The Dallas ISD Superintendent  is holding a conference at this moment about planned budget cutbacks.  Like the Arlington Superintendent, he is all about gloom and doom.

Above is his preliminary budget reduction plans (just announced.)  $209 million dollars in salaries is a lot of salaries.  Assuming an average salary and benefit of $65,000 (which may be too high or too low), that's a layoff of over 3,200 people.  Or I guess you just slash the salaries of tens of thousands of employees.

Wow.  He said the worst case scenario was losing 20% of the total budget and the best case was 10%.

And how would you like to be graduating this Spring with a degree in education?


I wonder what the chances are of the "rock hauler" being from Wise County. Is 75% too high?

Full story.

Random Video

All I know is that it's a train in India.  The video may have been around forever, but I've never seen it. Oh, my.

Our traffic jams don't seem so bad.

Random Thursday Morning Thoughts

  • Guitar Hero will no longer be manufactured? How did that thing run out of steam so fast? Maybe if the game involved killing a few people in a violent manner then it would have survived. 
  • For such a big buildup, the Blizzard of 2011 II turned out to not be much of anything. 
  • But I did get out and walk around the block yesterday morning, and that's as cold as I've been in a long time. 
  • Fort Worth ISD is seeking a waiver from the state to avoid having to make up the lost school days over and above the two make-up days already built in. Do Wise County schools seek waivers?
  • If I develop a country, I think I'll make one that takes Wednesday off. 
  • The judge telling Lindsay Lohan that he'll revoke her bond if she violates the law -- and he's really serious -- is almost comical.  If I ever practice criminal law in another state, it'll California.
  • When I asked last night which dog we were rooting for when the family of girls was watching The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, I was met by the sound of crickets chirping. Tough crowd.
  • The more I read, the more it seems that local school districts are about to get killed due to state budget reductions. And I mean devastated. The Arlington ISD Superintendent (I just stumbled upon this last night), sounds like Armageddon is coming.
  • Random sports observation: (1) A team won on a last second four point play last night, (2) I'd like to see a Duke/North Carolina game because there is no similar environment in Texas, (3) Spud Webb dunks 25 years later but obviously uses a step ladder out of camera range, and (4) the Baylor's women team may not lose a game over the next two and a half years.
  • The weather guy on WBAP a second ago: "We did hit a record low of 15 but we're already up by 10%. It's now 17 degrees."  I'm at a loss. 10%? (And could you ever have a percentage change in temperature since theoretically there is no minimum or maximum temperature?)
  • Between the Glee and Modern Family episodes this week, there sure has been a lot of gayness on TV.
  • Rumors yesterday that Twitter might be the target of a takeover by either Facebook or Google. The price, it is speculated, would be between $8 to $10 billion.
  • Motorcycle death yesterday in Fort Worth. Why in the world would someone be on a motorcycle yesterday?
  • A New York Congressman has resigned after posting a photo of himself on Craig's List while trying to pick up a woman. Other than being married, a father, and a Republican, there was nothing wrong with that. 


Lindsay Lohan Goes To Court This Afternoon On Theft Charges

Girl ain't right.

That's Like Me In Mrs. LL Shoes

Just kidding. She won't let me near her shoes.

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

  • Man, it's cold!
  • I don't watch the Mavericks on TV, but I did hear that 70 year old color commentator Bob Ortegel was fired right in the middle of the season. "Sometimes you’ve just got to freshen things up and try some different things,” Mark Cuban said. In other words, Ortegel was fired for being old.
  • Ortegel did offer one last bit of Mavericks analysis: “I sincerely believe that if this team stays healthy that they’ve got a chance [to win a championship].” -- Check that. He was fired for being delusional.
  • Wise County government announced it would be closed today. And that announcement came Tuesday afternoon. They've now become the early-closing-entity that has de-throwned Alvord ISD.
  • I'm pretty sure I could walk out the door for an hour when Glee comes on and no one in this house would ever know I'm gone. 
  • But I'll admit I got a little nostalgic when the Glee guys started singing "Silly Love Songs" last night. And then it dawned on me that song is about 35 years old. Holy, cow. I mean, seriously. Holy, cow!!!
  • Are there 80,000 abortions a year in Texas? A Texas Republican lawmaker says so. So what would those people do it it were illegal?
  • I saw on Fox 4 that Dallas road crew had upgraded their preparedness to "Ice Force Two" because they had brought in extra trucks. Good grief. It's like DEFCON.
  • Midget Mexican wrestler in gorilla outfit gets launched. How can you not watch that?
  • The short lived required Arabic language course in Mansfield caused the whole country to go crazy. Man, I'd love to be able to speak Arabic. 
  • A Steve Martin tweet last night: "I am looking at original cue cards written by Francis Scott Key: 'Twilight’s last greaming.'"
  • The way I feel about my dog. (And that was before I took her outside last night to do her business only to have her go into a frenzy and take off chasing a blowing plastic bag down the street. That, of course, meant me chasing her in my sock feet.)
  • Get me this cutest dog in the world!
  • The 2nd Grader in the house will belt out singing "Nationwide is on your side!" on occassion. Somewhere there's an ad man smiling.
  • I got up this morning, misread the clock, went downstairs and plopped in front of the TV to check the weather, and then saw the time: 1:54 a.m.  Beating. 
  • Pete Delkus tweet this morning at around 5:00 a.m.: "snowfall totals will not be as high as i thought yesterday. drier air has moved into the system."  Uh, isn't it your job to predict that "drier air"?
  • Then he fired off another one at 7:13 a.m.: "interesting forecast issues.. the models that have done well all winter screwed this one & the one that has been terrible was dead on." This guy is a snake oil salesman, no? 
  • The State rested yesterday in the No-Body-Murder-Trial in Denton yesterday. Amazing. I'm not saying you can't be convicted if there is no body (although the chances are slime), but this case has three problems: The State hasn't proven she's dead, certainly hasn't proven that if she is dead she was murdered, and they haven't even gotten close to proving that if murdered, it is the defendant who did it. Whoever authorized this prosecution is either incompetent or a publicity hound or, more likely than not, both.  
  • And those are the strongest words I've ever had about a criminal case in my 25 years of practice. 
  • Channel 8 did a story last night on the horse hair thefts in Wise County. If you're a young Boyd girl, you might be featured.
  • Been hearing that due to the Super Bowl crowds and the weather that "blood supplies are dangerously low" so we need to donate. I think that's just a ploy to get us to donate. 
  • WBAP's Mark Davis' Dallas Morning News column is now behind a paywall. I wonder how he feels about no one reading what he writes anymore?
  • There's a little bit of controversy about New York Jets' quarterback Mark Sanchez "dating" a 17 year old. Then someone reminded me that a thirty-something Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17 year old when his sitcom was at its peak. Didn't hurt him a bit.
  • I just remembered there used to be a TV drama called Thirtysomething.
  • A fantastic list of Dallas Cowboys' Dirty Deeds.
  • I feel pretty good about today's Random Thoughts.


That Great Super Bowl Commercial Broken Down

I'll be honest, I didn't immediately recognize that every single scene had been altered when I first saw it.

Credit: bagofnothing.com

Getting Tougher And Tougher

The Security Lines Outside The Superbowl

I find these two screenshots amazing of the Super Bowl crowd having to go through security. The first one actually shows 10 to 12 vertical rows that people had to snake through.

I heard it took two to two and half hours.

Random Tuesday Morning Thoughts

  • Channel 4 and Channel 8 both did preliminary investigations into the seating debacle at the Super Bowl, and the reports are conflicting and all over the place. They'll finally figure it out, but it might take a week or more to do so.
  • Was it really that important to try to set a Super Bowl attendance record? A record that none of us could name a month ago. 
  • The Internet is acting weird this morning. About half of the sites I'm trying to go to won't load. Others pop right up. I haven't seen anything like that in years.
  • The Mavs almost lost to the Cleveland Caviliars last night. Instead, the Cavs set an NBA record by losing 25 in a row. (And 35 or of their last 36.)
  • If you ever saw "The Smartest Guys In The Room" (the documentary about the Enron scandal), you'll remember a scene where some kind of energy traders were making money by the minute during rolling blackouts in California.  I don't understand how or why, but I heard a news report about how wholesale prices were skyrocketing during the Texas intentional blackouts last week. I wonder if we were manipulated?
  • I wonder how the credit card companies haven't buckled under the defaulted debt over the last two years.
  • If the ice and snow come down as predicted, I don't know how schools are not closed both Wednesday and Thursday. 
  • But last week did you notice that ice will melt in 20 degrees in direct sunlight but stay frozen in 40 degrees with shade? 
  • Dogs and cats do one thing all day when not sleeping or eating: They haul arse to explore any sound that they hear in the house. 
  • The No-Body-Murder-Trial in Denton resumed on Monday with the State calling 10 witnesses. Once again, they've got nothing. So far, this is the silliest case I've ever seen. 
  • But one of the comments below the story, in all seriousness, suggested waterboarding the Defendant in order to find out what happened to the alleged victim. When all of our civil rights are gone, we will can blame ignorance like that for allowing it to happen.
  • I think I failed to mention that the two prosecutors in that Denton case recently authored an article about themselves for the Texas Prosecutor publication regarding another high profile murder case they were in charge of. 
  • Is it OK to yell, "Brush your teeth!" because I secretly want to avoid dental bills in the future?
  • I think Dallas will certainly get another Super Bowl, and the debacle of last week makes me even more convinced. The NFL is at the point of saying, "Things were so ridiculously bad because of things you couldn't control that we're going to give you a do over."
  • From the now completed construction between Decatur and Bridgeport, to the current construction between Decatur and Denton, 380 has been torn up for what seems a decade. Maybe more.
  • Ranger Michael Young said last night that he has been "misled and manipulated" and "pushed into a corner" as he demanded a trade. Hey, for $16 million a year over the next three years (what is due him), you can hurt my feelings all you want.


Super Bowl Menus


Michael Vick Still Being Dogged

A Dallas radio personality who adopted one of Vick's dogs tries to get an interview. I find the video not particularly enlightening, but I was surprised to see Vick get a "key to the city" of Dallas at the beginning.

The mayor was not amused.

I Just Got A Belated Christmas Gift

A loyal reader managed to get me an autographed photo from the greatest Fox 4 anchor of all time.

Yep, she misses me. Not real sure what "Miss you all" means, but it's probably some romantic code.

Faith Hill Super Bowl Ad

A little bit of a debate today about whether this ad, which is pretty funny, was appropriate for the family friendly Super Bowl.  My radar didn't exactly go off, but sometimes I'm not the best judge of stuff like this. 

So does it offend the sensibilities of the average Wise Countian?

Edit: On an unrelated note, the kid in the cute Darth Vadar commercial has been unmasked

Let Me Provide A Scalping Lesson


If you ever hear anyone say "Wait until right before the game starts, and ticket prices will plummet", don't listen because he doesn't know a thing about scalping.

If you've ever tried to do it, you'll find out that it's simply not the case -- and this has been going on for years. In the late 1980s, I stood outside Texas Stadium trying to get tickets to a Cowboys Monday night game.  The two or three remaining scalpers had about 20 customers left who wouldn't agree to their excess price. (I think it was a whopping $80 a ticket back then.)  So I watched and waited.  First quarter came and went. The scalper wasn't budging. Then the Second Quarter started. No change.

And as the game got close to halftime, the one scalper I was watching put the tickets in his pocket and walked off into the darkness.  I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it.

Random Monday Morning Thoughts

  • Fox 4 just told me that today will be the "busiest day of the year" at DFW Airport. Any bets that they say the same thing around Thanksgiving?
  • I bet our work day will be a beating. 
  • And there's another winter storm coming in on Tuesday night? They sound pretty sure about that.
  • I've heard several people say that the Decatur Walmart was "insane" on Saturday.
  • The NFL beats me down because of its obvious money grabbing.  Moments after the Super Bowl ended, it was offering a Green Bay T-shirt, cap, and DVD package for $89.99. And that NFL Experience over in Dallas ($30 to get in) sounded like a bunch of junk surrounding an overpriced gift shop.
  • Speaking of, Phil Simms almost attacked Desmond Howard on Saturday due to Howard correctly pointing out that Simms son at the University of Tennessee is one awful quarterback. 
  • How would you have liked to have had to deal with the 400 displaced ticket buyers at the Super Bowl? That would have been one angry crowd.
  • And the story is that 1,250 seats were declared unsafe and that 850 were able to be seated elsewhere. Where in the world did they come up with 850 seats?
  • And that whole seat debacle is still a mystery. The Fire Marshal now says he had nothing to do with the bleacher section being declared unsafe because he only inspects "completed bleachers." So the NFL just decided to "deal with it" on game day? And how in the world were they not completed? 
  • Jerry Jones was no where to be seen after the game. Not a single interview. He had to be running for cover.
  • A jet fly over when it's a domed stadium seems a little silly. 
  • I think if you spend a week cooped up in a house and you don't end up wanting to kill each other, then it's been an outstanding success.
  • Except I wanted to kill the dog when she looked straight at me while she peed on the carpet. Did they teach you that in Puppy School? 
  • Katy Perry "Hey, Now".
  • After every Super Bowl don't you hear people say, "The commercials didn't seem that good this year."
  • It's a strange phenomenon how we get excited over celebrities. I would have thought I'd be disinterested in seeing Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston at Sundance Square, but when I saw them I couldn't take my eyes off of them.
  • The flooding at Bridgeport High School had to be from a broken pipe.
  • Pretty good headlines: A Brett Favre reference in Green Bay and a play on words on an old movie title in Pittsburgh.


Random Thoughts: Super Bowl Live Edition

  • Christina messed up the National Anthem? Heck, I didn't even catch that.
  • Sneak peek of the halftime dancers.
  • Seems like they'd have to sell a lot of Doritos to recoup the cost of all of those commercials.
  • At Sundance Square this morning, there was a guy walking around in blue carrying a Denver Bronco flag. That's a man who won't be upstaged regardless of dignity. 
  • A shot a Jerry Jones' box showed Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn.  This is like Roman Dignitary watching the Christians and the lions. (Screenshot.)
  • The new Sandler/Aniston movie had a commercial showing a shot to the groin. One of the first commercials in the Super Bowl did as well (Pepsi). Idiocracy
  • Something seems weird about this Super Bowl and I think I finally figured it out: Both teams having yellow pants on bugs me. 
  • 3:20 left in 1st: Big Ben throws an interception returned for a TD. Obviously, hanging out at Pete's Dueling Piano Bar should have been a bigger story. #kidding
  • The NFL ignores arrest after arrest but readily flags someone for excessive celebration in the Super Bowl? 
  • The GoDaddy.com with Joan Rivers made me smile because I just watched her documentary. Otherwise, I'm not sure I would have giggled. (Still power down whenever I see Danica Patrick.)
  • It may take 50 years, but I bet there will be a technology one day that will allow you to virtually walk around the field during live action. I'm serious. 
  • The "Tiny Dancer" Budweiser commercial made me think of Almost Famous. Was that their intent?
  • The Teleflora "You're rack is unreal" ad is the early leader in the clubhouse. 
  • I like the idea of The Ticket's "Fake Jerry Halftime Dance Party" but it's hard to turn down the sound on Fergie. No way Mrs. LL would let me do that anyway. (Praying for podcast later in the week.)
  • I read that the NFC has won the coin flip for 14 straight years. Is that right? 
  • Did I need to be on acid to understand the Coke dragon commercial? (Stolen line.)
  • First shot of the people outside who paid $200 to watch it on TV screens. Look, if I'm young, I understand paying $20 to do that. Maybe $50 if I went with a bunch of friends. But even then I'd feel idiotic. 
  • 21-3 before halftime.  For all of us who didn't spend $1,500 for a ticket, high five! (Uh, or fist bump.)
  • I'm sorry, I really thought the CarMax "I feel like . . . " commercial was funny.
  • I'll admit: I get all of the Woodson defensive backs over the last 10 years confused. 
  • Oops. Not so fast. 21-10 with under a minute left before halftime. It's a million to one chance, but do you think there's a Steeler fan that was walking outside to his car to leave when that happened? 
  • Just saw a tweet saying that Cowboyrita's (sheesh) were priced at $19.00.
  • Halftime verdict on Blackeyed Peas: Despite some audio issues, I thought it was fantastic. 
  • The Mrs. just wanted to watch the halftime show and decided to go to the bathroom when it started. Get some bladder control, woman!
  • Actually listened to a couple minutes of The Ticket's halftime show. I hate to say it, but the Fake Norm with Fake Goose has turned from a funny bit into an unlistenable bit.
  • Break: Had to go look for the dumb Family Cat that hasn't been seen in three hours. Found her. (Ugh.)
  • Now 21-17, Pack, just inside the 3rd Quarter. "I've got a feeling" that the Steelers may roll. (Rimshot.)
  • Isn't it a little tough to pay attention to the commercials? Once I hear that Fox-go-to-break music I immediately power down. 
  • I remember the first time I saw the down, distance, score, and time icon in the corner on Fox. It was an NFL preseason game -- their first I think. Can't imagine not having it now. 
  • Eminem is the most mainstream bad boy we've had in a while. 
  • Third quarter winding down. Not bad. But not exactly riveting. 
  • Total attendance just announced: 103,219. Not a record despite the fact it includes folks outside IN THE RAIN!
  • Re: The catch/no catch at :25 left in the 3rd. You know, that looked like a catch to me. Third and 10 now not converted. That might be a pivotal play. (I just turned into serious sports guy.)
  • The NFL commercial with bits from Sitcoms was great. With a late entry appearance by Cartman to top it off. (And Seinfeld's Newman was a Cowboy fan? I don't remember that.)
  • Now Pack is up 28-17 with the 4th underway after a Steeler fumble. As much as I hated Bill Parcels, he was absolutely right about preaching "hold onto the ball." 
  • Now a Flozell Adams holding penalty. He has remembered he's in Cowboys Stadium. 
  • Wow. Pitt TD with 7:34 left. And going for two. With the option! Golden. I felt like I was watching Nebraska in the 1980s.
  • The Beaver-save-the-guy from the bridge that was out was very cute. What do you call the chest pound and then point move?
  • Now the Packers are driving with 4:00 left. There's more momentum shifts than my multiple personality disorder. Huge drive. And on 3rd and goal and incomplete pass. 2:10 left. Pack up by 6.  Will Steelers come back? I'd be scared to bet. 
  • On the Steelers return, there was a 15 yard personal foul penalty (which was Huge and Stupid) but we never got to see it because of commercials. Edit: Well, we finally did from an awful overhead shot.
  • And then the final drive petered out before it ever got started. A potentially dramatic ending doesn't even get close to happening. 
  • There was nothing odder than Roger Staubach bringing in the Lombardi Trophy. So uncomfortable. And once he reached the stage the mic picked him up saying, "I can hand it to you so I can get out of here, right?" And then he handed it off and scrambled off stage. Strange.
  • Giving the MVP a new car is kind of a slap in the face to the rest of us working stiffs, isn't it?

Went Down To Sundance Square This Morning

Got "this close" to my nemesis Chris Berman as he interviewed Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston.

On another note, there appears to be a problem with those temporary bleachers inside the stadium as well as the party deck outside the stadium per the fire marshal. How is that possible?

Edit: Oh, my.

Two Notable Shots Of Cowboys Stadium

A hole in the roof (oh, my) and a coke machine crushed by falling ice.