Is This Real Life?


Random Friday Morning Thoughts

  • We have a great a mystery going on. Where is the Afflueniza Kid?  Look, I just watched Alpha Dog again. The kid is in Paraguay walking down the sidewalk while "The Girl From Impanema" is playing. Go get him. (That is a fantastic movie by the way. Justin Timberlake is phenomenal, Sharon Stone plays a sad and overweight grieving mom, Bruce Willis plays a pissed off father, and the still relatively unknown Ben Foster may have played the angriest and scariest guy in the history of cinema.)
  • I went and watched a game in Aggieland and now their star quarterback, who was great that day, leaves the team. The Liberally Lean curse continues.
  • One of my favorite songs is REM's "Driver 8". Oddly, for a guy who never listens to music I've heard it twice this week as I push buttons on my car radio. And I love the lyrics. "And the train conductor says, 'Take a break Driver 8. Driver 8 take a break. We can reach our destination, but we're still a ways away.'" 
  • You have to see BagOfNothing's post on a version of Silent Night that was performed in a church. Or Vegas. It is hard to tell.
  • One of the funniest lines I've heard in a long time is the response I got when I told someone that the Texas Republican Party had called me to want to know why I revoked my application after they had already rejected me. That response? "That's like a girlfriend saying, 'You aren't breaking up with me. I'm breaking up with you!'"
  • I haven't opened this letter yet, but they broke up with me in handwriting and by certified mail. That's a nice touch. Personal, yet formal:

  • The photoshop bit in the post below makes me laugh to no end. The Liberally Lean readers are crazy. And smart. And creative. Well, at least some of them. 
  • I saw the first Star Wars in a movie theater in Northeast Mall with my dad (my mom was shopping). We both walked out saying, "I don't get it." And we both believe that to this day. My main beef is that I didn't get any back story and had no idea what was going on. (And that's exactly what The Ticket's Jake Kemp, who saw it for the first time this week, said.)


I Like Bits: Look What BagOfNothing Just Sent To Me

Now that is funny. Texas Flag. American Flag. Eagle. Pandering to Wise Countians.

I'm trying to think of ways to trick it up even more.

(In my best Ali G voice to BagOfNothing: "Respek")

Options so for based upon advice from faithful readers:

  • Add the Family Unit praying around the table before a meal.
  • Add Dairy Queen logo. 
  • Add Speedo Man.
  • Look lovingly at Mrs LL while sitting in separate chairs outside.
  • Add a Random Thought girl. 
  • Add "gun and Bible"
  • Add Trump wig
  • Add the Family Pups but leave out the Family Cat (voters hate cats)
  • Add a Stetson
  • "It really could use a pickup truck with a Susan G. Komen pink ribbon,along with some fire fighters holding a tub of Blue Bell ice cream. Perhaps you and the family, in Cowboys jerseys, playing touch football in the front yard with a big old flag on the porch"
  • Add angry Ron Jeremy for stealing his mustache
  • "'Murica' T-shirt on with cutoff sleeves standing with one foot on a dead carcass holding AR-15"
  • "You need the Ten Commandments and a Come and Take It flag."
  • "How about 'and another' female teacher" 
  • "Dye your hair red and get the Trump combover. Then add a squirrel on top. The squirrel needs to be saluting and holding a US flag."
  • "1. Photoshop on one side Sheriff Buford T. Justice; 2. Wear your trusty Donald Trump tie (yes, we know you own one); 3. Upload video of you kicking down a door (a la Texas-Hack lawyer); 4. Photoshop Mark Davis and Mark Cuban on other sides of the poster; 5. RTG girls galore in American-flag bikinis; [Signed] Loyal reader from Honduras"
  • "You need to work in Britney. Maybe in red, white and blue body paint?"
  • "This is easy. Just say you are going to have a luxurious weekend and that your law firm has made billions and billions of dollars.
  • "Video of you bustin' caps with an AR 15 at a gun range then later video of you and the wife and your black lab(s). You are sipping a drink that may or may not be alcohol but the viewer presumes if alcohol it is expensive and your use is very temperate. The wife takes a break from knitting to look up at you in adoration. The dog looks up from its place in front of the fireplace wags his tail and then dozes back off. Somewhere and eagle screeches. Fade to black. Murica!"
  • "Give me a razor and I can make that a Hitler mustache. You win!"
And a faithful reader just sent me this to one up BagOfNothing. I cannot stop laughing:

Edit: Oh, my! We have another submission . . .

This Might Be Better Than The Play "Book of Mormon"

Utah defentisver tackle tells BYU, "You're a good team but a dirty team. Don't start nothing and there won't be nothing." The Vegas Bowl just got ramped up.

I don't think that comment "stayed in Vegas."

Random Thursday Morning Thoughts

  • I had a fantastic moment on Tuesday when my Bridgeport Fourth Grade teacher, Mrs. Hill, was on the courthouse square and just stopped by the office because she was feeling "sentimental" and just wanted to give me a hug. 
  • That made me think about how people influence you as a young person. She ran her class by dividing us up into three different groups based upon the grades you had made in grades one through three. The top group received harder assignments and more homework than the lower groups. But the genius was each group competed against their peers. I told her, "You could not get away with that today." I think she wanted to go on a rant about the current state of education.
  • Her late husband, V.M. Hill, may have been the greatest discplinarine I've ever seen and also had an impact on me. Crazy things I remember: I was late for his home room 7th grade class one morning (Drafting. Anyone out there know what drafting is?) I walked into the room and he stared me down in front of the quiet class and asked me why I was late. I blamed it on my mom. I still remember it: "Mr. Green, I happened to know where you live. You could have walked here and been on time if you had wanted to make the effort." I would never again be embarrassed for not making an effort.
  • He was also the 7th and 8th grade football coach and it came down to a miraculous chance at a perfect season for both teams. On the 7th grade team, in the last game, I sniffed out an end around in the last two minutes against Bowie and abandoned my responsibilities as defensive end and tracked down the slot receiver as he was about to get the ball in the backfield. Much to my horror, the quarterback saw I had sniffed it out, didn't hand off the ball, and took off around the end where I was supposed to be. I don't know which teammate bailed me out, but they stopped him before he got to the end zone and we won. However, Coach Hill pulled me out of the game immediately (the first time all season) so I got to watch the win from bench. Lessons: (1) You aren't as smart as you think you are, and (2) You do your job as you have been taught. 
  • Both 7th and 8th grade teams finished undefeated. V.M. Hill surprised everyone in the Spring by retiring. He went out on top.
  • I can't get enough of this Donald Trump craziness.
  • I've dogged Texas lawyer Tony Buzbee to no end. He's a Plaintiff's lawyer who has made a fortune, is cocky, and is on the board of regents for aTm. And this morning I see this lead sentence of a story: "After a six-day long trial, Tony Buzbee's client, the estate of Jose Flores, a seaman who died after being bitten by a spider while working on a vessel, won a $41 million jury verdict against the company that operated the ship."
  • Someone dropped by a wooden hand carved cross at the office yesterday in honor of my mother. The guy who made it was featured in an article in the Messenger a while back. This has been one heck of a week. And, honestly, I want this year to be over.
  • One Idiocracy thing about the Republican Debate was how many of the candidates wore red (a tie), white (shirt), and blue (suit).


Let's Just Say This Is The Greatest Day Of My Life

I make the front page of the Wise County Messenger and got rich. (But State Farm sent the money to my old address. I appreciate the fine employees at 303 West Main for not stealing it and delivering it me. The temptation had to be overwhelming.)

Edit: Let's be clear since we have had some comments. That is not a 1980s "porn mustache". That is an outdated 1980s goatee.

Rumor: Decatur Church To Sell Property To Convenience Store And Be Torn Down

This is absolutely unconfirmed (which has never stopped me from blogging about anything.)

The Cornerstone Baptist Church sits on a piece of property off the exit of FM 51 off 287  in Decatur. That land is worth a fortune from a commercial standpoint. The property right across the street from it hasn't sold for over a decade because the owners are demanding a fortune and waiting for the right buyer. They will eventually get it.

The rumor is that Cornerstone will sell the property to Quickmart. It would be a genius move. Take the money and build a new sanctuary.

(By the way, I finally went to Buc-ees the other day. It was crazy. It is like six convenience stores combined without walls. Food. Clothes. A deli. Custom made beef jerky behind glass. It was like Allsup's on acid.)

Oh, and the source of this rumor is . . . (just kidding, darlin').

Unrelated: Something is weird with the host of this site today which causes some computers to stall on the site. I'm deleting sidebars and doing other html stuff to try and diagnose the problem. I suspect the Texas Republican Party. (Just kidding, darlin').  Edit: I think I tracked it down.

Guy Shuts Down Houston Highway To Propose

That guy is starring in a movie which is playing only in his mind.

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

  • If you like politics, the Republican debate last night was beyond entertaining. Every time it came for Trump to speak I sat up. And, man, he delivered. I'm beginning to believe he might be a master politician and that he will win the Republican nomination. This is insane. 
  • The debate was in The Venetian in Las Vegas which is crazy in itself. Mrs. LL and I stayed there the night before we went and got married in the Little White Chapel.  One of the reasons we chose that the "chapel" was because Britney Spears got liquored up one night and got married there. We thought it would be a funny bit. We like bits.
  • And as the debate started, CNN turned the camera to the audience and focused in on, wait for it, Wayne Newton. I truly laughed out loud. 
  • There is another lawyer in Decatur who got married in the Little White Chapel.
  • Coincidentally, Mrs. LL and I watched Leaving Las Vegas Honeymoon in Vegas (with Nicolas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker) again this weekend. I think that movie is very, very underrated.  
  • Hey, I'm on the front page of the Messenger!  (But below the fold! You kidding me? Mr. Eaton! What have I ever done to you!? Wait. Don't answer that.)  
  • There is no more Leap of Faith than going "off the record" with a reporter. But I trusted her, and she kept her word. 
  • I may have made my boldest statement in the history of ever yesterday when Messenger photographer, the "great Joe Duty", came over to my office to take my photo. I told him, "I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but this is what I want." For a second I was living the life of Zoolander.
  • And with all the politics going on, I also feel like I'm living a redneck version of House of Cards.
  • The home flooring remodeling project continues. The entire downstairs is now off limits as the tile is being settled. We are all now hostages upstairs. And I think Family Cat is so mad that I'm afraid she's about to go "call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' [alley cats], who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy . . .  I'ma get medieval." And I'm not kidding. That cat is mad because she doesn't get to roam where ever she wants. She wakes us up in the middle of the night with the loudest "meows" ever. 


I Never Thought I'd Do A "Should Pete Rose Be In The Hall Of Fame" Post

Wait!!!! I just came up with a campaign idea!!!

Speaking of Crazy: Carly Fiorna

I'm not sure what the best part is: (1) When she tells the dogs that President Obama ate one of their cousins, (2) When she eats a dog bone, or (3) When she does a voice over for the dogs in the last few seconds.

Heck, I won't limit it to Carly, I think the whole country has gone crazy.

Woman vs. Florida Trooper: Who Ya Got?

Random Tuesday Morning Thoughts

  • I was in a store the other day and saw a drone for $69.99. But get this: It was a glow in the dark drone. (Apparently you have to kick it up a notch.)
  • But new rules yesterday by the FAA require you, as of Monday, to register any toy drone with the government. It will cost you $5 (but it is free for the first thirty days from Monday - very gracious of them.) You will have to give the government your name, address and email. And if you don't do it, it is a federal crime.
  • What's next? Some county commissioner employee is going to be indicted for allegedly providing a Trustee inmate with snuff? Oh, I got a plea bargain offer on that case yesterday: 2 years in prison or 5 years probation and a $1,500 fine. (With the fine, court costs, and probation fees, that would come to at least $5,400 that would go to the government. And also think about the amount of taxpayer money that is being used for the prosecution of this case.) And people think I'm crazy?
  • Man, what happened to the Trump and Cruz love fest? And I was talking to someone yesterday who was convinced that Trump would eventually run as an Independent simply out of spite. They might be right. 
  • Hey, to the commentors who said yesterday that Frazier won the fight that was depicted in that photo below: It was from the Thrilla in Manilla. Ali won. You must have forgotten that I am a Sports Expert.
  • I walked in my house last night and the reconstruction project was in the aftermath of Day One. Every fake piece of wood had been torn up as well the carpet. I saw the concrete foundation and noticed that the original construction workers had written their names on it. So then Mrs. LL and I took out spray paint and did our own graffiti. I think it was the first time that the Kids In The House looked at us with a "You guys are out of your minds" expression.
  • I learned yesterday that if you file as an Independent you don't even have to pay a filing fee. Now I just have to wrestle the money I gave Mrs. LL away from her who took it down to file the application for me. I'd try it but I'm afraid she'd go all Ronda Rousey on me. And win. 
  • I think the attempt to get on the ballot as an Independent was successful. And I think Mrs. LL had a great day. She ended up with a cab driver who only wanted to talk about politics (Mrs. LL was like Marvin in Pulp Fiction who only wanted to say, "I don't even have an opinion"), she got to deal with Republican Death Star, she got to see the Secretary of State's Office (which apparently is one wheels off operation) and then hit Sixth Street. 
  • A DPS lawyer at a hearing in Fort Worth wanted to talk to me about her dad who is suffering from dementia. I spent as much time with her as she wanted. And I could see her pain.
  • I forgot to mention this: "Four of the nine people killed in a melee between rival biker gangs outside a Texas restaurant were struck by the same caliber of rifle fired by Waco police." Good lord. 
  • There was a confused lady in the courthouse yesterday who just happened to be African American. (At least I think she was African American. I don't see color.) She wanted to know if she was in the right place and asked, "Is this Wise County?" I think I got her to the right place.
  • Because of the flooring project in the house, I had to take The Family Pup and The Rescued Family Pup to the office. I'm not sure I've ever seen an office full of women so happy.


Random Thoughts Special Edition: Monday Morning Politics

Texas Republican Party on Left. Me on Right. 
(Muhammad Ali, however, won that fight.)

  • Well, this has been a crazy three days. I went down to Austin on Friday and filed to run for District Attorney for Wise and Jack Counties. I've held that job before. It is my "baby".
  • I filed as a Republican because daddy didn't raise no fool. I didn't think you could be elected in Wise County in any other way. And, plus, I do not consider myself to be a Democrat. I'm Libertarian or Independent. I've said that for years and years. 
  • I went up to the 9th floor office of the Texas Republican Party on 7th Street in Austin (it was like walking into the Death Star with the photos of current statewide elected officials on the wall). I gave the application to a sweet lady, she accepted my $1,250 and the application. I was listed on the Republican Party website as a candidate by the time I drove back home. 
  • Then trouble happened: Also by the time I got home, the Texas Republican Party had already contacted the Wise County Party Head to say there might be a "problem" and left the name and number of an official for me to talk to. The Wise County rep immediately contacted me to provide that information. I thank him for promptly alerting me. And I will thank the Republican Party rep who was available on Saturday, via cell phone, to talk. 
  • The "problem" was the Texas Republican Party was questioning whether I was a (required) "registered voter" in Wise County despite the fact that I was a registered voter in Wise County last week.  The question was whether or not my registration was "effective". Do they screen everyone like this? They gave every indication that they would, and wanted to, keep me off of their ballot. 
  • You know, searching my voter registration status on a late Friday afternoon  was an incredible effort of "vetting me" by an office in Austin which didn't even have a receptionist at the front desk. I had to push a button to get someone to come out. Unless they had been been put on notice that I was coming. 
  • What should happen, and this is important, is that the Texas Republican Party should put me on the ballot and if someone wants to challenge me on "registered voter" or any other issue then so be it. If someone wants to try to kick me off the ballot because they are scared of me, fine. 
  • The filing deadline is Monday. I have every reason to believe the Republican Party of the State of Texas will not put me on their ballot and inform me of that fact after the clock has run out. At that point, I would be left in the desert. Look, I've publicly dogged every Republican at the Austin level for years and/or months. Perry. Abbott. Patrick. Paxton. Willett. Nelson. I've been told that politics is a bare knuckles fight. I now believe it. 
  • Filing for election is bizarre: You don't go through the government. You have to go through the Party. They decide if they want to put you on the ballot and whether there are any "problems."
  • Here are my options: (1) Sit back and hope the Republicans put me on the ballot, (2) Have them not put me on the ballot and sue them over whether I'm qualified to be on the ballot, or (3) Do something else: Withdraw my application and run as an Independent. 
  • Screw 'em. 
  •  I completely understand that running as an Independent is an uphill battle. Then again, times have changed. This is the year of Donald Trump where people are expressing they are sick and tired of the way things have "always been." So am I. 
  • Really, the only difference in running as an Independent is that my name will be next to someone else's name on that ballot in November instead of March.  (There is no primary). It's just that insane straight ticket voting that could kill me. (But, then again, you can vote straight ticket and still vote in a particular individual race. I'll have time to educate them about that.)
  •  If I lose, I lose. And then I'll get up the next day and go to work like I do every day.
  • And now the residency "issue" will not be a problem. It was never a problem if you understood the law.  The dates, however, have now changed. 
  • Look, I may get my butt handed to me for running as an Independent. It's a crazy idea. I understand that. But if I were to win running as a rebel, I've got the political story of the year and maybe in the history of Wise County or maybe even Texas. And I feel better about running as Independent than as a Republican. That is, after all, who I am.  People who care about me know that. 
  • Edit: I'm sending Mrs. LL down to do all of the paperwork in Austin. There are deadlines with lots of technicalities to overcome. She's a little tense about all of it.  But I may have had one of the best moments of my life this morning when I went back up to the bedroom, stuck my head in, and with my best Leslie Nielsen voice said, "Good luck. We are all counting on you."
  • And now I have almost a full year to figure out a way to make it happen. Is this a blessing in disguise?
  • But what do I know? 
  • Worst case scenario: I just put $1,250 filing fee on the Roulette table. I think I'll bet on black.
  • I've done this before. I know what I'm doing. From a 1999 issue of the Wise County Messenger . . . 

Man, everything I said then I feel more strongly about today. (And the only reason I have that article is because my mother, unbeknownst to me at the time, secretly kept a scrapbook for me.)  And I love that second to last paragraph.