Careful There, Jazzy

Uh, You Do Remember How To Do That Right?

It's rewarding to return to the operating room. Yesterday, I performed 4 pro bono cataract surgeries for #KY patients pic.twitter.com/qA3fNl96tM
— Senator Rand Paul (@SenRandPaul) May 28, 2014

Hey, wait a second. "Pro bono?" You doing this for free for poor people? I hope there's no public funding at all involved in these procedures or The Tea Party will want to have a word with you.

(Hey, I gave myself a civics lesson: I was curious if the Senate was in session yesterday since technically Sen. Paul would be on the public's dime while doing the surgeries. I really don't care, but thought I'd check. The Senate, I learned, held a "pro forma session". What's that? "Typically, no legislative business, such as the introduction or consideration of bills or resolutions, is conducted during pro forma sessions, which rarely last more than a few minutes." They are sparsely attended. So why have them? "The official purpose for pro forma sessions is to comply with Article I, Section 5 of the Constitution, which prohibits either chamber from adjourning for more than three consecutive days without the consent of the other." I'll be.)

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

• Holy cow: Wise County went 76% for Dan Patrick and 24% For Dewhurst. More county numbers here. (We had a 5.4% voter turnout, by the way.)
• The Tea Party should focus on getting in a three man race which gives them a great chance to get their candidate into the runoff, and then crush your opponent because Tea Partiers will come out in droves (relatively speaking) in that runoff election. That formula, for now, works. 
• George W had a partial knee replacement yesterday, but wasn't he tooling around for 12 miles on a bicycle just a couple of weeks ago? 
• There was some crazy tornado video that was all over the news last night, but I think the bigger story were the guys who were filming it who didn't seem to understand that a tornado could kill them. (Language warning.) 
• The manager of the bar with the offensive domestic abuse/beer sign in Plano has either been fired (per Dallas Morning News) or put on leave without pay (per Fox 4.)
• The odds of putting a USB stick in upside down is 50/50. Except with me I screw it up about 80% of the time. 
• The discussion of "I'd rather be happy than right" was interesting yesterday. I was thinking it applies to small things --- kind of an off shoot of "pick your battles." One time Mrs. LL and I got in an argument over the definition of "fast food."  It was silly and ridiculous. And I don't know if in the end I was right, but I dang sure knew neither of us ended up happy. 
• Sports and Kinda Sports: (1) Everyone was talking about Fifty Cent's horrible first pitch last night. I think I saw ESPN calculate that it was outside the plate by 21 feet. (2) What a ridiculous end to the Rangers game, but you can't run from second to third via left field, can you? (3) #1 seed and defending champion Serena Williams got beat in the French Open a second ago. (4) This is a cool: A chart of heights and weights and what position in sports you'd best be suited for. (5) As Sean Lee was helped off the field, Spaulding was close by in coach's gear. (5A) I think I've got this right: Sean Lee will earn $5.5 million this year and a guaranteed $2.5 million next year. The contract calls for $24 million after that but he'll be cut by then.  (6) Ed Carter Sportsline is still my favorite bit on The Ticket. 
• It is taking longer than I'd like to exit Afghanistan but at least there's a plan. Unlike when we decided to enter it.
• Even with all the warning signs, there is no way to stop incidents like the attack at UC-Santa Barbara. (Oh, and here's the "worst right wing tweet" about the incident.)
• Didn't the Messenger create an online newspaper for Haslet or Justin? Hadn't thought about that in a couple of years, and I can't find it now.
• "On Monday, Molly Schuyler ate two 72-ounce steak meals at The Big Texan Steak Ranch [in Amarillo]. In less than 15 minutes."  Nothing says Memorial Day like glorifying a a "competitive eater". 

Above The Fold

The Easiest Prediction Of A Win Just Happened

Dan Patrick tops David Dewhurst in GOP lieutenant governor race; Ken Paxton over Dan Branch for GOP attorney general http://t.co/349iMdXvhk
— Dallas Morning News (@dallasnews) May 28, 2014

Texas just elected the craziest Lt. Governor in history. And David Dewhurst just cemented his spot as the worst campaigner in history.

We get what we deserve. I'd fasten your seatbelts. The Texas legislature is going to be insane. 

Step Aside Delkus, I Got This

[4:00pm CT 5/27] Strong thunderstorm heading towards Bridgeport. Small hail and winds to 50 mph possible #dfwwx
— NWS Fort Worth (@NWSFortWorth) May 27, 2014

And based upon the highly sophisticated instruments I have in my office and by looking out the window, I can now safely predict that Decatur is next.

Pending MRI Sports News

If this turns out bad, the Rangers crazy injury situation just went epic.

Rangers scratch Yu Darvish from tonight's start with neck stiffness  http://t.co/0RDRdi4DSF pic.twitter.com/MPVlzveZ91
— DFW Sports News (@SportsDayDFW) May 27, 2014

And we had an oft hurt Cowboy who gets hurt on the first day of non-contact workouts. Edit: This is sounding bad. Video.

#Cowboys' season: Over before it even begins? Ouch. Sean Lee being examined for left knee injury at OTAs. pic.twitter.com/A0qmyU77ul
— Richie Whitt (@richiewhitt) May 27, 2014

When Press Conferences Go Wrong

France's Nicolas Mahut was congratulated on losing his first round match at the French Open on Monday by a reporter who got his wires embarrassingly crossed.

Train v. Truck

And this comment on youtube made me laugh a little:

You'll Either Care A Great Deal Or Not At All

His fans never stopped believin'.... Journey's Steve Perry takes the stage for the first time in 19 years: http://t.co/g9gHx2261r
— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) May 27, 2014

This Is An Actual Ad

"Savin' baaaaabeeees. Protectin' laaaaadieeees."

But this may very well be the last ad we see from him. Ever.

Random Tuesday Morning Thoughts

• I actually heard some fantastic advice on The Dennis Prager Show concerning relationships. It didn't come from him, of course, but a caller: "I'd rather be happy than right."
• Mrs. LL is a Brad Pitt fan (surprise) so I had her watch Snatch yesterday. What a fantastic movie.
• I actually overslept this morning because I jacked with my alarm and ended up setting it to p.m. And that must have thrown my alarm dog off as well.
• Republicans in general have to be embarrassed by these runoff ads, right? I'd make it a point not to vote for anyone who tried to pander to me by being in an ad holding a shotgun. But that might eliminate everyone on the ballot. 
• In this atmosphere of being "green", companies like Reliant Energy offering "free weekends" seems counter intuitive.
•  “I like my beer like I like my violence — domestic.” - A sign in a bar in Dallas.
• "Whose Eric Snowden?" - Fifth Grader in the house while watching a news preview. Try and answer that one. 
• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married over the weekend. I didn't think he was really that crazy. 
• Conflict management should be a required course. 
• The Update should tell us who all the commencement speakers are for the local high schools. At least I'd be interested in that. 
• I didn't realize how horrific that motorcycle/car crash was on Sunday near Slidell. I'm stunned that there was only one fatality. 

Johnny Football In Vegas On Memorial Day Weekend

Hot sports prediction: This guy is going to be a disaster.

I Mentioned A Year Ago How I Didn't Like These Televised Renuions

And I think this guy has figured out why. An excerpt from the article.

But we didn't earn these reunion moments. They're not yours and they're not mine. Nor, for all the vicarious warmth we feel blasting off of it, do they absolve us. Lots of Americans don't come home.

Random Monday Morning Thoughts

• Memorial Day honors not veterans in general but those veterans who have died and then only those who died while serving. There are very few people who seem to know that. 
• Mrs. LL watched a short documentary on the Jodi Arias trial and we were stunned to learn that she still hasn't been sentenced.
• I watched the first three episodes of The Americans. It's good, but I'm not sure what all the hubbub is about. Then again, I thought the same thing about Breaking Bad. (By the way, a middle aged Keri Russell is smoking hot.)
• I keep track of the anniversaries of painful events in my life. 
• But I remember funny stuff, too. About twenty years ago on this weekend, my buddies and I ended up in a ski boat with some model looking and obnoxious "bro" (a friend of a neighbor) from across the cove. He claimed to be an expert skier and jumped in the water asking that we throw him his "boot jelly" to help him put the ski on. We all looked at each other mouthing "Boot jelly?" Then we spent fifteen minutes in an attempt to getting him up four or five times. Each time he failed. My buddy Joseph, with a huge smile on his face, yelled at him, "Hey, maybe you need more boot jelly!" I still laugh about that. 
• Rockwall's ninety-one year old Ralph Hall is the oldest ever serving Congressman. He took office in 1963.
• The new Adam Sandler movie grossed only $14 million over the Memorial Day weekend and has a shockingly low 15% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I think his bit is done.
• Mark Cuban waved the starting/finishing flags at Indy yesterday. He didn't have a choice as to which side of the road he was on. 
• I used to keep track of these events: Car hits parked police car in Arlington. 
• The guy who killed seven in California over the weekend left behind youtube videos and a chilling journal. He's crazy, but his angst is understandable. 
• Taking five seconds (or less) to "do" my hair is one of my greatest life's pleasures. 
• I watched a lot of college softball over the weekend. That's a really good sport. Only seven innings. Compact field. Ridiculous amount of emotions from the players. (Baylor is going to the College World Series, by the way.)
• TCU has had a rough time in the Big 12 but they won the Big 12 Championship in baseball yesterday. They are really good. 
• We had a chip put in the Family Pup and Family Cat (why?) on Friday. It's really amazing that we don't do the same thing for humans. 
• And the Family Cat is going to get brain damage from crashing into the window where we have a bird feeder attached outside by suction cups. Buddy, you ain't gonna catch one. 
• Obscure funny golf reference I heard on the radio: When once Colonial winner Keith Clearwater made a comeback in the tournament several years later, a commentator said, "Well, that gives come credence to Clearwater's revival." 
• I watched a little of Slumdog Millionare (great movie) and became curious of the population of India. Found out it was a shocking 1.2 billion -- almost four times that of the U.S. 
• There's no Update today. Once again, I'm proving I'm the hardest working man in show business.

Above The Fold

And Another (Incredible) Reason To Hate The NFL

Ray Rice was accused of knocking his wife senseless but avoided jail time this week in a plea deal. The Baltimore Ravens decided to get his inevitable "press conference" out of the way by holding it on the Friday afternoon before a three day weekend -- a time and place where news goes to die.

He (and his wife!) made a couple of unbelievable statements, but the insane part is that the official Baltimore Ravens twitter account quoted those statements and sent them out. Deadspin is all over it. (Language warning.)

I saw someone say that Rice will probably get a three day suspension for beating his wife. The Brown's Josh Gordon faces a sixteen game suspension for smoking weed. Yep, that's the NFL value system (that they probably formulated while burying concussion reports and ignoring teams doping up players with Vicodin to get them on the field.)

USC Taking You Into The Weekend